JUST LIKE STARTING OVER

So what about today?

Looking back at my life, it's astonishing to me how little of the past that seems to matter today. Just, say two years ago, I felt if not old - I guess that's quite unreasonable - then at least clearly torn and frayed. Walking around with a burden of past, chained to experience and just tired. Like there was really nothing left to discover, no reason to be found and no new hights to be climbed. Anything resembling "youth's glory" was already seen and done. Conquered. Above all, I was tired.

Lately, I've experienced what anybody would agree to be a shit period. Frankly, all of last year, starting in December of 2007 and still running on the final strophes I suppose, has been like some kind of nightmare opera. But perhaps it was all just a matter of taking out the trash. Quite a lot of trash, too. What could be a shittier job?

I found myself, suddenly, walking around not with a burden of past, not chained to experience and not tired - but walking around with a burden of bullshit, chained to crap and not so much tired as, in fact, nearly dead. But as Ian Malcolm wisely said, "Life finds a way". If you won't keep your eyes on the road and keep moving ahead, you can guarantee there will be some heavy bags of shit to carry around. And as Noel Gallagher also said some years ago, "Everybody has a shit period, hopefully we've had ours".

So it's funny. When I was younger I didn't give a shit about anything. I wanted to roam the fields, drink unrecommended amounts of alcohol and tumble in festival tents and whatnot. Then I started working, writing, making songs, stories, started to study philosophy - in private, in school and in my writings - getting into life dead-on, entering the very core of it or whatever the fuck you'd wanna call it, and when it all was said and done, it was really all said and done. I've even managed to have two ongoing and serious, arguably over-the-top-serious, relationship during the course of six years. I wanted all kind of experience and knowledge, and I basically got it. But all things must pass. And what I find genuinely amusing, what I can just barely believe, is my total uninterest now. It's like I give fuckall about anything. Guess I'm just looking for a surprise around the corner nowadays, come what may and I do mean that: Whatever, I've been picky but I don't give a shit now, I don't have any ideas on what's a prefarable life or what's a prefarable set of rules, I don't judge and I don't neccesarily praise. I'm just waking up every morning with a feeling that I'm up for it. So watcha got?
What you might be sniffing in this entry, regarding the pasture of your's truly, is a long story, lots of episodes, chapters and charachters. Ah, well. There's a time and a place for everything. I like that these blog writings will just start up in medias res, like the first Star Wars movie. You don't follow all the lines in here? Tough shit. I can only recommend that you see Hidden Fortress.


Funny. Not much going on, here and now. It's all fairly bleak and perhaps even hollow. An age of lonliness for me. Or perhaps solitude. Or exile. Or, well, who knows, next week I might be in paradise by some odd chance or who knows. I genuinely have no clue. The slates are wiped clean and the tables are empty.
But that's exactly what starting over is like.