LEARNING TO FLY AGAIN

I'm blocked.

That's the word for it. Blocked. And what does that mean? Well, a hard thing to explain and a tough nut to crack. But I've got a headache that just won't give up, a small one, the very annoying kind. And beneath that, I don't know, feels like my mind is just a wall. I should be all up in creativity and inspiration, but it's all stone. Had I been into New Age, I suppose I'd need some meditation. Perhaps I just need some normal kind of sleep? Tomorrow I'll be cleaning the place up and getting myself some beverages to place in the cooler. If there's time, I'll see if I can go to the Big Building I mentioned earlier to see just what the fuck is going on over there. Jiminy Cricket's full of it and I had to rob the bank today. Then come nightfall, I'll be off to the Red Dane's place and hook up with whatever guys and dolls there to be found. We'll hit the night and such. I imagine it to be quite the revolation. Been like a god damn hermit this week.

Isolation is quite the mindfuck. But I can deal with that, I've never felt alone while being by myself, only in crowds and with other people. At most I've felt abandoned some weekend nights when I've stayed at home. But such feelings are a waste of emotion. As John Huston said: "If you want it kid, go and get it."
No it's not the isolation, in fact it is not the lonliness either. It's just a slight fear that it will all continue like this forever. This is the first time in my life, ever, when I've felt that nothing's going on. I mean, sure, there has been times when life has bored me, specially around winter time, but there's always been some kind of process, I've always been dealing with something. Some idea or some emotion, some relation or some kind of everyday obsticle. There's always been a movement. I'm now experiencing the most quiet stillness ever. And just about everything seems new, I'm even as a human being new to myself in many aspects, so there's nothing to compare it with. "Don't think too much" as JJ keeps telling me, with a wink and a smile to be sure. Specatcular woman. Maybe that's what I like about her the best. There has been all to many girls in my life. Not enough women. Whereas I've been preaching to younglings, she actually makes me feel like there's so much more to discover. Too bad she's on the other side of the Baltic Sea, though.

Maybe I've just been reborn, and just haven't got that old yet. I believe in the spring. I believe in the possibility of change, that from time to time, you have to come to the last chapter and start writing a new book. And sometimes you finish some real heavy books, and the first pages of the new ones are bound to feel weird. All new words about all new worlds. You still in the leading role, that's all.